#I don't know why I'm like this. Especially for someone who likely has some chronic migraine they never bothered to check up

[kyouka-supremacy]

My Akutagawa toxic trait is that I'll die of pain before willingly taking a painkiller

[orchidbreezefc]

ok. years have passed and we've had some distance, so i'm finally gonna take the leap of faith that tma fandom is finally ready to hear me on this. let's talk about tannins.

161 was the first tma episode i heard on early release, and i felt the bit where martin declines wine and cites tannins was pretty obvious in its implications. cool, got it, say no more.

imagine my surprise when i was one of maybe three people i saw read between the lines there, in a fandom famous for red stringing--a fandom that immediately caught the much less obvious thread of ignition sources in the same episode. i'll spell it out: alcohol is an issue for martin.

maybe it just felt obvious because addiction is a pet issue for me--as it is for jonny, who has said everything he writes is filtered through a lens of addiction. i don't know if that's due to his own experience or a loved one's, and i won't speculate; i also don't know if martin personally struggled with drinking or just avoids it for fear he would, but alcohol would fit what we know of his family. his dad walking out and his mum spiralling into bitter wallowing and verbal abuse? i'd bet one or both of them drank, yeah.

on a basic level martin tries to decline alcohol, and that alone should have raised eyebrows given what we know of martin and, again, a fandom that dissects everything. we already knew martin "K" blackwood lied about his personal life and his family in particular, especially pre-canon, which is when this flashback took place. i was shocked that everyone took his flimsy excuse at face value with no further questions.

and the excuse is flimsy. martin turns down wine by--nervously--exclaiming tannins are "a proven headache trigger!" which sounds like trivia from a magazine cover and not the words of someone who actually has headaches--and it hasn't come up before or since. jon, confused, points out that tea, a drink martin consumes to a degree that is memetic both in- and out-of-universe, also contains tannins, and martin squawks a panicked, "what?!"

if tannins are enough of a concern for martin that he knew they're in wine and so avoids it, why didn't he know they're in his drink of choice? why does he still drink tea at the time of canon, and why doesn't he struggle with constant headaches from consuming 'a proven headache trigger' day in and day out? why, indeed, would someone avoid wine and not tea?

when sasha insists martin drink he caves and agrees to 'just a drop'. i imagine him pouring it in a plant, which admittedly he could have done if tannins really were the issue. i will say that i, for one, would be less likely to falsely agree to something that makes me physically ill than to a private issue that i'd rather not be pressed on any further. this scene also establishes martin's birthday was an ice cream party instead of the more traditional visit to a pub.

also, this scene was in the first episode of the final season, as one of three flashbacks that could have been to any pre-canon event in the archives. prime narrative real estate. not really time one would waste on establishing the important character context that martin has... headaches. which never comes up before or after, even regarding the week he spent in spiral town. but you know what is pretty crucial character background...?

it felt like a no-brainer, and yet all i saw was h/c fluff about jon attending to martin's headaches. and i hate feeling bitter about disability representation. i want folks with chronic headaches to feel seen and have fluffy escapist fantasies. i don't want to be mad about people portraying a character with a disability. but, guys? you got the wrong disability. jonny sent a clear message, and it went over fandom's head.

[snoopyhughes]

it's you, it's you, it's really all for you (nh13)

Happy winter fic exchange @puckology101 !!! For the plot I had in mind, I didn't think a Swiss Alps trip was realistic but I hope this does the trick. I tried to detail the beautiful Banff scenery as best as I could (especially for someone who has never been!) so I hope you could truly envision that.

As always, @wyattjohnston Demi thank you so much for hosting this event for our community!

This is 2k+ words, I don't believe there's any mentions of any defining traits but I have not done a thorough check to ensure that this is safe for all to read. If you would like me to do that, shoot me a message and I'm more than willing to double check.

Title from Video Games by Lana del Rey (the live version, iykyk) this is loosely edited!

Nico Hischier, in hind sight, was thrilled that Switzerland was not a part of the four nations tournament. His logical, captain sense knows that he should want to play hockey all the time, work on his game, and he does really love international play. However, he needed a break. The high powered, adrenaline filled season had taken a toll on his body and his mental capacity.

But deep down, he was thrilled. Because that means he gets to go on a trip with his best friend, Y/N. When some of the guys who weren't going to four nations decided to get a group together and take a trip to Banff, complete with skiing, the beautiful winter scenery, and two hot tubs on the property, he jumped on the opportunity, even faster when he knew Y/N could come with.

Dawson insisted that he invited his girlfriend because he promised her a trip on the all star break but she ended up not being able to go. Soon enough, almost all of the guys were inviting their partners, save for Luke who insisted on bringing his best friend Dylan Duke, never one for formalities with girls.

Nico was chronically single, but always by choice. He does not have enough fingers and toes to count the amount of times he's tried to show you how much he loves you, more than a friend, but it never works. Either you're lovingly clueless or you don't feel the same way, the latter causing a pit in his stomach. That being said, Nico will always pick you as his plus one to pretty much anything. If you ever suggest that he find a real date, someone who he might want to be romantically involved with, he shrugs it off immediately, letting you know that "he doesn't have time for a relationship right now" and that "you make him happier than any relationship ever could."

Everything leading up to the trip was relatively smooth. The private jet flight (that you'd never get used to) was like flying on a resort, you were able to get time off work with no problem, and even the packing didn't seem like as much of a chore as it usually does. But things started getting interesting as soon as you, Nico, and the group made it to the ski resort. You always knew you'd be sharing a room, that much never bothered you. You'd shared hotel rooms with him before, having not been a first timer on an all star break trip, which is essentially what this was. Coincidentally, all of the people on the trip ended up with rooms right next to each other. When you opened the door, you saw one huge king bed staring right at you.

You and Nico shared a look, assuming that your room may have gotten mixed up with the others. Sure enough, when you knocked on everyone's door, they all had the same set up as you. The only room with two beds on the floor, it seemed, belong to Luke and Dylan. You thought of asking them to switch, but you could only imagine Luke's dramatics and theatrics if you tried to suggest switching rooms.

"It really doesn't bother me, Y/N. As long as it doesn't bother you, I'm fine with it. Besides, did you see the size of that bed? It could probably fit a third person in there also." You really didn't know why you were so nervous. Of course, you had known you had feelings for Nico. But you always felt that Nico could never have any feelings for you. You had watched Nico flirt with girls in the bar after games, even on the trips you went on, awkwardly tagging along on his side. It was the same way he flirted with you sometimes. It made you feel like you were just another girl for him to flirt with. He had a naturally flirty personality, and you were just another person who came in contact with that.

As you opened the door to the bedroom again, accepting your fate, you took a second to look around and truly take in the room. You were amazed at what you saw. When you first walked into the room, you could clearly see the bathroom, with a jacuzzi tub and a waterfall shower, and even a double vanity sink. In addition to the huge bed, there was a massive TV set up across from it, some of the softest towels you've ever countered in your life, and a huge glass sliding door. When you moved the curtains, you couldn't help the gasp that had came over your mouth.

Nico had seen tons of beautiful mountain scenery in his lifetime, growing up in Switzerland. He had seen the mountains, the snow, all of it. And sure, you had seen snow. It was usually tinged with grey and brown, tire tracks and footprints ruining its true beauty. This, this pure, unaltered beauty of the mountain scene in Banff, it took your breath away. Nico couldn't help but smile, seeing your pure joy, watching the breath get stolen from your mouth as you observed the scenes around you.

"Nico this is... wow," you gasped, leaning in when he wrapped his arm around you, feeling him rest his head atop of yours. Your heart fluttered, feeling like you were meant to be here. "You're my best friend," you smiled nuzzling into his side. "Yeah, my best friend."

You should've known with the room situation that the guys were up to something. After all, Dawson insisted on booking the rooms, saying that Nico deserved a break from his "captain duties," causing Nico to rebut that "booking rooms on a vacation is hardly a 'captain's duty.'" But when you turned away from the mountains, you were beginning to discover that it was possible that you and Nico had gotten the "honeymoon suite." You had your own private hot tub on the deck of your room, the first floor patio backing up into a beautiful mountain scene. You imagined snow falling onto your face and hair as you and Nico lounged in the hot tub together. Your cheeks heat up at the thought, causing you to pull away from Nico. You couldn't allow yourself to get too caught up in the what ifs. If Nico really wanted to make a move on you, he would make a move, not the same move he had made hundreds of other times.

You found yourself in your bathroom getting ready with the other girls that were on the trip. Nico had already gotten ready and was downstairs at the bar drinking with the guys. Since you had gotten in to the resort after 5, you knew no skiing would be happening, so you made reservations at a nice restaurant in downtown Banff.

"So, how's it going with you and Nico? Do you like the room?" Dawson's girlfriend giggling, nudging you in the side. "I knew that couldn't have been accidental. Dawson seemed way too excited watching me trying to figure out how to unlock the room door," you laughed, nudging her right back. "It's so foolish. You both clearly love each other, but neither of you will make a move. It makes no sense. If you guys won't do it, someone else had to try it." You sighed, putting the cap on your lip gloss.

"I know what you mean, but I really don't think Nico likes me back. He acts the same way with every other girl he's come across. If Nico really wants to be with me, I want him to make it known, make it obvious. Do something that lets me know that it's me only, not me and the girls at the bar, not me and the girls who wait for him after games, just me." Whether you realized it or not, the other girls were silently taking notes, and as soon as you went to the bathroom at dinner, they told Nico.

When you arrived with the girls at the restaurant, you learned the guys were already waiting at a table. Nico's eyes lit up when he saw you, smiling wide and blushing at your prolonged eye contact. As you came closer to the table, he took a step toward you, pulling you into a hug. His large hand ran along your back as he pulled you in close, causing goosebumps to raise up your arms and on the back of your neck.

"You look absolutely stunning," he whispered in your ear, causing your cheats to heat up, a smile just as big as Nico's. Nico only pulled away to pull your chair out for you, again causing your cheeks to heat up, the girlfriends smiling around you, although you had genuinely no idea because you couldn't stop staring at Nico.

They wondered how you couldn't see how much he cared for you, more than anyone, especially any other girl. Even the guys could see how much he cared for you. The girls understood deep down, knowing how difficult it can be to be able to fully trust a man, especially if you had been hurt in the past by one. Because yes, they were taking notes to share with Nico. But they really didn't need to. And everything they told him, he already knew.

He knew exactly where you'd want to eat, knowing that you craved your comfort food when you were tired. It was the perfect place to eat after a travel day, and getting to the hotel when it was already dark. He knew your preferred seating choice, and of course he knew that you would want a table with a view of the mountains. He didn't care how much it cost him, or that he had to name drop himself (and Luke) to get the table with the view. All that mattered was that he could sit across from you, and watch you admire the view, while he admired you, which was really all that mattered to him.

And nothing felt more perfect than when the rest of the couples started either making their way back to the resort or to the next stop on their drinking trip down the Main Street in Downtown, you and Nico stayed. The two of you stayed, his hand softly brushing yours as you talked, him with his back to the window, taking that spot specifically so that you could see the scenery. And even as everyone left, leaving the two of you at the table alone, all he wanted to do was look at you. The way you smiled, the way your eyes crinkled at the corners when you laughed, even the soft yawn you let out towards the end of the night made him smile, his cheeks hurting at the end of the night.

When the uber dropped you two off at the resort at the end of the night, Nico held the door open for you, helping you back into the room. When he moved from the front of your view and you saw what he had done, you couldn't stop the gasp from coming from your mouth. How he had done it while being at the restaurant and you being the last to leave the room, you truly didn't know. But you didn't need the logistics, because it all settled in for you.

It's you. It's always you. It always has been, and always will be. The most beautiful bouquets of your favorite flowers sat around the room, no flower petals on the floor because you both agreed that that was impractical. A bucket of champagne sat cooling right by the glass doors that outlooked the view, the most perfect view. It was then you realized that it was more than Dawson who picked this room, it was Nico, wanting to share the space with you. It was Nico who knew how much you'd love the view. It's Nico. It always has been, and it always will be.

When your eyes locked from across the room, your eyes finally looking up at his, which you knew had been on yours the whole time, you couldn't cross the room fast enough. And when your lips locked with his, everything else floated away. It was like nothing else mattered. As the snow fell in the background just behind you, you knew that it didn't matter where you were, and it didn't matter who came in the way. It was always you.

[littlest-bugz]

The Collective You

[one system's brief advice about accepting the idea of the collective you]

One of the best pieces of system advice started from a tumblr post and was elaborated by my DID specialist. I can't find the original tumblr post that started it, so I'm making a little post of my own <3 Share the knowledge. and also hope that someone can link the original post lol.

When I was REALLY going through it™ with my first diagnosis w/ DID, and a lack of integration, all of my alters felt like separate individuals, some of us feeling as distanced as a coworker or a stranger altogether. We were just getting a grasp on internal communication between all of our subsystems, and it was rough. We felt so entirely differentiated that we were our own people trapped in one body. While I don't really care about what language you use, all alters in CDDs are a part of one person [there's only one body and brain]- the collective you.

So obvs, I'm scrolling tumblr like the chronically online doomscroller that I am, and I see this post that goes along the line of not knowing who you are, but knowing you are 'you', regardless of who you are [referring to alters]. And it said something like "we're all me enough to pick up our meds"- something like that. iirc it was a half light hearted, half advice post, but that was really good advice for me. I kind of internalized it after I processed it in therapy. It's actually why I have started to love parts language lately tbh.

After further processing this idea in therapy, Identity Confusion stopped mattering in the grand scheme of things. I focused less on worrying about who I was, and just focused on the fact that I'm me. Just like the post I saw- We are all me. The example of all being me enough to pick up my medications just applied, like, everywhere. Even when it came down to the smallest things- with coping with other symptoms too.

Oh? I don't like coffee right now? I guess I should switch to something else. [differentiated alters]

Oh? I have barely any drawing skills right now? Okay, really sucks but I can work on something else and come back to it later. [skill variance between alters]

Oh? I have to go to a doctor's appointment? I know I'll forget that- Gotta write a list, and put it up on the board so I remember. [day to day amnesia]

You know what happened? My dissociation got better! Not immediately or entirely, obviously, and my memory [re amnesia] still sucks, but that's part of the disorder- plus other disorders that I have. This idea of the collective you is something that I think is really beneficial to all CDD systems, especially during the mid to later stages of recovery.

I, admittedly, credit most of my healing to conversations I have had with my DID specialist. Especially since, without her, I wouldn't have been able to process this idea of the collective me further, but the conversation wouldn't have been started if I hadn't seen that post on tumblr. This was a budding concept with us due to the separation we had. It helped with integration. GRANTED... Not every alter got the memo, obviously, but It's something that I'm still working on. Of course, being me comes with the prerequisite that I am a person with DID, and that I am made up of multiple parts.

Now for the piece of advice I got from my therapist- Though it requires a certain level of knowledge of your own system, such as a list of alters and some identifying info [fav drinks, fav colors, those type of things]. Look at the list of your alters wherever it may be. Just whatever you use for logging your system members. Look for the commonalities between alters. There will be at least some commonalities.

For example; A good 45% of us like bunnies, 45% like cats, and 10% have a liking for other kinds of animals. Using this information, I can pretty much deduce that 1. the collective me loves animals and 2. the collective me likes cats and bunnies especially.

Another example; I looked through our simplyplural, which has a favorite color thing [in ours at least]. By looking through the list, I figured out 1. wow I like literally all colors- my fav color is rainbows and 2. I especially like pink and light blue.

More examples; the list.. THE LIST... I looked through it and saw that a good 90% of us like MONSTER ENERGY DRINKS- of varying flavors, but the common denominator was Ultra Strawberry Dreams, but all of us like [or tolerate] water as a preferred drink. From there I can come to the conclusion that I prefer water over anything else and that I have a problem with monster [being light hearted but I genuinely do].

I hope you get the idea I'm going for. I used this process for nearly every aspect of our collective identity, though some had to genuinely be voted on, such as our LGBTQIA+ labels [offline, we just call ourself queer, but that's.. aside the point LMAO].

Obviously, there are going to be outliers- Having DID comes with the fun [/s] aspect of alters being differentiated from each other in some capacity. Example for the monster energy one- We have a handful of alters that HATE energy drinks- even just fizzy drinks in general. There's one guy who will only drink Black Coffee and water- nothing else. He's the guy who is always hiding away our monsters in the way back of the fridge, but guess what!! He's me!! The part of me that doesn't want me to ruin my health over energy drinks. The part of me that knows I deserve better than my unhealthy habits.

Getting to know the collective you is just like learning about your system! It is not inherently different than figuring out what an alters dislikes or likes are. The idea of The Collective You shouldn't feel scary or anxiety inducing- if it is, you may want to confront those feelings with a therapist if you have access to one. Every CDD system is the collective [or, well, system] of one fragmented individual- That is a studied and objective fact. I wanted to give advice from one recovering system to another.

No, this will not work for everyone, every system is different, but I'm hoping this post finds the right audience in knowing that it's worth a shot to try this!

[featherwurm]

I'm going to get a lot more personal on here than I usually do:

Baulder's Gate 3, and especially Karlach, make me feel seen in a way no price of media I've ever engaged with before has. It's a big reason why I love it and why it's sticking with me like it is. I too am a big, loud, enthusiastic woman who says out of pocket shit. I have a heavy internal dialogue with myself. I have a temper, I'm bisexual, I love cute shit. I endured years of being utterly touch starved. I love sex and food and being alive...

I also have cancer; it's Follicular B-Cell Lymphoma. I was diagnosed in 2020 when it had reached stage 3A. It's currently under control after chemo* and I'm living my life normally. But while it's a very treatable kind of cancer, it's not fully curable**. There's nothing in me they can remove (it's my whole lymphatic system that's broken) and no drug currently that can wholly knock it out. It's cause is not known (genetically or environmentally), and its unusual for this type of cancer to affect someone as young as I am (I was diagnosed at 35 - it's much more common 65+***). So every three months I go into oncology and they check my blood and symptoms and see if I'm doing ok. I get imaging and biopsies occasionally too. This will go on until I'm not ok (hopefully a long time yet). I'll have to have still manageable but more invasive treatment the next time around. It's a well researched kind of cancer, and my oncologist hopes that in the next decade there may be some more permanent cure for it.

So you can see where I'm going with this. When you hit Karlach's monologue after killing Gortash, I've never felt better understood. I have no one to blame for my condition, no revenge arc of course, but the very same fear, frustration, grief, and anger are all things my husband has heard from me. I've never seen a more beautiful and moving and real exploration of the topic that resonates with me so meaningfully out of a piece of fiction that I love. Béart's performance is amazing - capturing a whole spectrum of emotion.

Karlach's story is absolutely not incomplete as written, confirmed by both the devs and Sam Béart - a terminal condition is just that. You don't get to fix or save her, you get to go with her through tremendous trial and difficulty. If you want to continue that story in your mind that's great (I know I'm eager to do so, for my own personal encouragement if nothing else) but on it's own it's a whole story about coming to terms with something that doesn't have a quick and easy little fetch-quest resolution.

So - every time I see another whinging post/essay/bitchfest about how her story feels "unfinished" or "incomplete" or "has too much cut content" you can see why I might take it a bit personally - knowing that the life I have, the easy solutions I don't get, and the frustration and grief I live with is seen as incorrect and wrong and bad writing makes me a little pissed off. If you think the story is incomplete as told and think a 'third engine upgrade' is missing you completely missed the point.

Karlach doesn't get a simple easy ending because people like me**** don't get that either. And like my husband and the others who love me you can choose to follow that story anyway. And that's fucking beautiful.

*Yeah dealing with cancer and undergoing chemo during a pandemic was really a peach.

**XKCD hits the nail on the head here and here.

***Current treatments have good decade long prognoses... but saying 'you'll probably be fine for the next 10 years' is a lot different at 35 than it is at 65.

****And believe me I've heard from a lot of chronic/terminally ill folks who love the game for the way it represents these things and feel the same, with her Gale, and Shadowheart too.

[st0rmyskies]

What Your Favorite Link Says About You

A.k.a. The Links as tarot cards/your rising sign/your blood type.

Time

You're likely an older Zelda fan. Ibuprofen has become a food group for you. Anyone who thinks OoT isn't the greatest Zelda game has you clutching your pearls and tutting. Kids these days don't know how good they have it.

You are a person to whom young people come for advice, either in your career or in life in general. You're happy to give it, especially because you love to help, but on the inside you're silently screaming, What?? Why me???

You may have trouble sleeping through the night. Even if it's not every night, there are some where you just can't turn your brain off and worries or worst-case scenarios just keep playing and replaying ad nauseaum.

You enjoy time in solitude to appreciate the beauty of nature. I bet you know how to braid a mean daisy crown.

“The flow of time is always cruel...” - Some event in your life took your innocence from you, perhaps much too early. You grew up quickly because of it.

Legend

Either you had a crush on the emo kid in high school or you were the emo kid in high school.

You might be jaded by the world, but you still have a solid work ethic and a soft heart despite it all. Even if you hide it all beneath a healthy layer of sass.

You possess a multitude of skills, not all of which are related. Anytime a friend needs a piece of clothing mended or a picture frame hung on the wall or a leak in a faucet addressed, you have the tools and the willingness to help.

Either you have a history of moving frequently when you were young, or you have a restless spirit. You may never quite feel 'at home' in any given place.

"But, verily, it be the nature of dreams to end." - You’ve suffered a meaningful loss in your life and you have a hard time opening up again because of it. 

Hyrule

You root for the underdog, or perhaps you are the underdog. Any of those "against all odds" stories just hit you square in the chest.

Somewhat quiet by nature, you do vital work behind the scenes but you aren't the type to seek out a leadership position. Leave the limelight to somebody else, please.

You might sell yourself short when it comes to your skills and abilities, but you should believe in yourself, man! You can do it!!

You have a capricious streak in you that rears its head now and again. That smile can look sharp and devilish in the right light.

"It's dangerous to go alone!" - You either already have or are destined to find 'that one person' with whom you can open up and truly be yourself. 

Twilight

I'm willing to put money on the fact that Twilight Princess was your first Zelda game.

You have a strong sense of justice and get really bent out of shape when you encounter unfairness or flaw in the system, whatever that may be. You might be considered an outsider in some way because of this.

You're the friend who scoops spiders up in a cup and sets them outside. Live and let live.

You were the 'wolf kid' in middle school. Come on, those amazing tie dye shirts? Wolf Woman? Julie of the Wolves?? Even if you kept it inside, it was there in some way.

"Your current power would disgrace the proud green of the hero's tunic you wear." - You put a lot of stock in the opinions of others and hold yourself to a higher standard because of it. Sometimes that standard isn't achievable, though, so try to be kind to yourself. 

Sky

You, my friend, have a soft heart. You're generally a happy-go-lucky sort of person. You're likely to make excuses for those who've been mean to you in the past and come out as friends on the other side.

You're crafty, or at the very least good with your hands. You're the type to give someone a handmade gift rather than go buy something for them for their birthday, a holiday, etc.

You have a strong affinity for your friends. If anything bad were to happen to them, you'd turn violent at the drop of a hat.

You may have some level of chronic illness that affects you. Although you might do things in a different way or at your own pace, though, you still come out on top.

"You fight like no man or demon I have ever known." - You have the capability for great things. World-changing sorts of things. Don't give up!

Wild

You're some flavor of neurodivergent, if I had to guess I'd say ADHD. You have 42 tabs open in your brain at any given time and you have no idea which one the music is coming from.

You're an incredibly creative person, although you might have trouble finishing tasks/works-in-progress. Doesn't mean you didn't learn something along the way!

Rigid guidelines or deadlines stress you out. You'd rather be given a goal and decide for yourself when and how to get there. When you do have a deadline, you're a bit of a procrastinator.

Sometimes you don’t get the 'right' way to do things, but you carve your own path--although sometimes it's unorthodox--and get there in your own time.

"Courage need not be remembered, for it is never forgotten." - In spite of how your life changes you, for better or for worse, you have a driving inspiration or ethic or vocation that moves you forward at all costs.

Warriors

Those who don't know you well tend to boil you down to one or two trite traits. In reality, you contain multitudes. Most people couldn't handle all of you, not that they deserve to know even part of you.

You tend to lay it on thick--be that your charm, attitude, or whatever else your social shield might be--because you're hiding some deeper secret or insecurity at your core.

You're the mom friend or the planner in your group, or perhaps you're the oldest child. You’ll pass on an authority role if and when you can, but likely you’re still involved in some supervisory capacity in a given situation. 

You kill spiders with fire. Show NO mercy.

"You dare raise the blade of evil's bane to me? So be it. Hyrule's blood will be on your hands." - You have strong convictions and you aren't afraid to take risks, major risks, to do what you know to be right.

Four

Babe, if you ain't short, you've got short person energy. You scare me a little bit tbh.

You were praised for not being a problem child growing up, or for being very responsible at a young age.

You have a vivid imagination! You may have had an imaginary friend as a child or lived in your own little world altogether. I bet your notebook pages were strewn with little doodles in school.

You're a lover of information. If you could choose between an afternoon at the library or a movie matinee, it would be the former.

"Hanging around with you fools is dangerous for my health." - You're the snark friend, aren't you.  

Wind

You are extroverted to a fault. You need the company of others to recharge that social battery. The quintessential golden retriever friend.

You had active involvement in the music and theatre department. I'd be surprised if you weren't in at least one show in high school.

Having adventures is where it's at! You're a big fan of travel, either cross-country road trips or international flights. You could happily live out of a suitcase.

You tend to make friends easily wherever you go. If everyone in this classroom/workplace/bar doesn't know your name already, they will pretty quick.

"I have been waiting for you, boy... Do not betray my expectations.” - Against all odds, you've proven yourself to be worthy of great things. Screw what fate has in store! You're the type to take your own destiny by the 'nads.

[meo-eiru]

What's ur inspo for art? ur art style is so cute... any art advice?? Jajsjdkkaka, I understand if u wanna gatekeep 👁👁

I meant to answer this several days ago but couldn't find it in the sea of asks welp

Anyway as I mentioned before we don't gatekeep art related stuff in this household, artists help other artists.

Honestly it's hard to name an inspo but I do have artists I look up to a lot (this might be a bit long)

Kanisuke, you guys might be familiar with her, she's the artist of the upcoming yandere inside game Yandere Town. I know it's not out yet but I'm actually obsessed with this game and have even translated all the character intros (they are a bit old atp so there might be some mistakes) and actually if you see a Yandere Town related post high chance it's from me. Not only her art but I love her writing style as well.

Hakuri-sensei, their manga Sachi iro no One Room is definitely one of my biggest inspirations. I love the relationship between Sachi and her "captor" and it's the only manga I actually cried my eyes out while reading.

Tayu-sensei, all of their work for Yuugen Romantica (one of my fav drama cd series) are breathtaking and they've also developed even more since then, their current works are just so stunning and I love studying the way they draw hair

Shirahama-sensei, she👏is👏a👏queen👏 honestly I don't have much to say, go read Witch Hat Atelier it's an artistic masterpiece and a giant love letter to art itself

Furumi-sensei, another queen! She's the artist of my favorite Fate Grand Order character Ashiya Douman. I've even bough her art books before, honestly she is just so talented. I don't know what she was drinking when she came up with Douman but I need some of it

Usagi Routo-sense, another fgo artist AND JUST LOOK AT HOW INCREDIBLE THEY ARE AT USING COLORS LIKE??? HOW??? Their art is like cocain for my eyes I could look at them for hours

AU, one more fgo artist and oh my god guys this person right here is one of my biggest inspirations just look at their drawings. I'm not kidding I actually spent hours just inspecting how they shade outfits. I'd sacrifice my soul just to get a chance to watch them draw live

☝︎ FAN, an Ashiya Douman fanartist and god guys the comics they draw!!! They are the cause of some of my current biggest fetishes ngl

Oyo-sensei, an fgo artist and is also the main artist of 18trip. They have such a clean art style that's very pleasing to the eye. I especially love the reference sheets they draw.

Shibatora-sensei, she is the artist of my FAVORITE drama cd series Shinai naru Thanatos and my overall favorite yandere character from any fiction Seo Eito. Honestly if you know me irl probably the first thing you'd mention about me would be my chronic Shinai naru Thanatos addiction because based on what everyone says I start speaking about it within 2 weeks of meeting someone new.

ORKA, the artist of A Stepmother's Marchen. Anyone who knows that manhwa probably knows why she's on this list, her art has so much soul and passion in it, literally every single panel looks like a painting and it makes me want to cry just looking at it

82 Pigeon, an incredible incredible Korean artist, I think they also give art lessons? I really tried to get them but couldn't figure out how. They also have a youtube channel and I learn a lot just by watching their speedpaints

[koysiini-keinumaan]

Disabled Access + Queueing

Since there has been a concerning amount of ableism coming from fans this Eurotour, I want to explain how venue access works in the UK (especially since I will be having it for my next gig after Medical Issues™ at London).

UK venues, by law, have to provide reasonable accommodations for their disabled guests. This is typically seated tickets, or a dedicated area or balcony with step-free access for those with mobility needs, especially those in wheelchairs or scooters. However many venues, including several on the UK leg of Käärijä's 2024 tour such as Heaven in London and Chalk in Brighton, have extremely limited tickets for these dedicated disabled spaces, so reasonable accommodations are provided in other ways - most commonly with early access into the venue and priority for barricade.

1) Why someone would need early access to the venue?

Needing assistance to get from the doors into the main venue area, including if you need someone to navigate an alternative route such as finding a lift or ramp.

Avoiding the rush of people entering at doors, especially if fans are likely to run/push to get barricade, for your safety.

Being unable to stand for a long time in a queue when lining up for doors.

Needing to access a specific area of the venue, whether this be a dedicated space for disabled guests or a place at barricade.

2) Surely if you're able to stand at barricade, you'd be able to stand where-ever? Other than the view, what do you get at barricade that you don't get elsewhere?

Barricade provides something to physically support yourself against that you likely won't find elsewhere in the venue. This can both be for fans who need to use a support at all times, such as those with chronic pain or mobility needs, or for those whose disability means they are particularly liable to collapse/faint/become otherwise weak or unable to support themselves who would need something to lean against in case that happens (such as yours truly, who had a cataplectic attack at London 1 and had to be dragged through the crowd by friends to reach a wall).

Barricade places you directly in front of staff. If something does happen you will be seen straight away and do not have to worry about flagging someone down.

Barricade provides a clear space directly in front of the stage to leave through. Some venues have barricades than can be moved/opened, some do not. But it is still easier to get someone out of a gig that way than by trying to make a path through a crowd who is unlikely to hear/take notice of instructions.

3) But isn't that unfair on the people who queued up for barricade?

Perhaps. Perhaps not. But ultimately, venues are not beholden to fan-made queues. If they have their own policies in place - which are usually dictated by UK laws - they will follow said policies. If you need to know if there is disability access, contact venues ahead of time like disabled fans do.

At the end of the day, a non-disabled fan can choose to arrive hours or even days ahead of a gig for a good spot, but a disabled fan cannot choose their disability.

4) I'm running the queue and I'd happily give a disabled person a higher number in the queue if they told me about their condition.

Good for you. Not everyone would though. Plus, you are probably a stranger and disabled people don't owe you shit in terms of disclosure.

Also, see question 3.

5) If someone is *that* disabled, surely they should just stay at the back of the venue/not go to a concert.

Says who? Disabled fans should be allowed to have the same experience as everyone else at a gig without compromising their safety/wellbeing.

6) I'm not angry at disabled fans, just at the lack of communication from the venue.

If that's the case, don't take it out on disabled fans. Don't question their disability, don't accuse them of 'not being that disabled' and don't tell them that if it were that bad they should go to the back of the venue. Yes, these are all things people have been told this Eurotour (mostly at London 1 and one instance (that I know of) at Bristol).

Also, see question 3.

7) But I wanted barricade.

And I wanted a working body but we can't all get what we want. If you can only enjoy a gig by getting barricade and second row is that much of an issue for you, that is a you problem, not a disabled people problem.

It is so horrible talking with other disabled fans and hearing the horrible ableist treatment some of them have been subjected to. It was nice to see that ableism surrounding queueing/disability access was called out more than last year, but it shouldn't need talking about at all. Hopefully that will improve in the future.

[ponytarot]

pick a pony - what you need to know (tarot reading)

pony 1

if you picked pony 1 , you may be consistently paranoid in your relationships/friendships , almost like someone is lying to you constantly ... even when this isn't really true . i can't say out right you are lying as well , but it feels like ... due to this constant paranoia ... you also hide things or explicitly try to act like something you're not ... this has an inverse effect . you lie and hide things because you're paranoid , which fuels the idea someone is also lying to you . be more open to share things about yourself , or be yourself in general . you will find your relationships to be much more meaningful and less anxiety inducing .

song - birds of a feather by billie eilish

pony 2

you may find yourself in a situation where you're able to get some legit payback ... a very heehheehe petty moment (genuinely the only way i can describe it) listen , i'm not gonna tell you what to do or how to do it ... because this petty moment seems acceptable ... but don't be shocked when you get a bad reaction . this person you're trolling a lil' is very upfront and aggressive , if you back down , they win . do you REALLY want them to win ? i think not (i know i don't) .

song - bullet with butterfly wings by the smashing pumpkins

pony 3

i've notice a lot of people , especially clients i have in-person , struggle with feeling they need to "act" a certain way . you may also struggle with this , maybe you're young , this is ok . fuck being judged ! i'm chronically afraid of being judged , i do tarot in a bible-belt small town ... and it was the best decision i've ever made . i get nasty looks and comments , i've been kicked out of places while being a vendor , JUST because of complaints of me being a tarot reader . FUCK THAT ! you will be judged regardless of what you do , why not do it while being happy ? you will be depressed , you will be sad , you will have poor reactions to big personality changes or sometimes just because people don't align with each other ... that's not your fault . if your only fault is being yourself ... whose really the problem ? because it's not you . be different every single day , experiment with yourself , and things you like . the only person who REALLY cares is YOU . that's ok . care a ton , care too much , care too little , it's who you are .

song - dont forget em' (remix) by consequence and kanye west

[sharklovingaquarist]

It's kinda crazy to me how many people hate their mom, especially since fathers suck so much. Like, I don't think there's many cases where a father has done more than a mother even if she's not #1 mommy robot to everyone (and is obviously a valuable woman because of it!) Yet all you hear is "my ex-mother." It always has a poorly hidden scent of gender bias in it. The emphasis on mother, not the parent aspect of it. A lot of times, it seems the word "mother" is used as an insult by people against their moms, judging by the tone they use it in. Another trend I see with the "mommy issue" crowd is blaming their mothers for their fathers abuse. The constant "she allowed him to hurt me" as if women aren't often being hurt, too. Especially with step fathers. You all focus more on the mother than the stepfather, but change it to father and stepmother, and it's still on the women. And don't get me started on emotional labor. "I was emotionally neglected" and they only blame their mother.... girl.... you do realize your father should've been providing half of that labor right? And that's exactly why they get more angry at their mom. What men lack is pinned on women.

The mommy issues crowd also love to downplay people who have issues with their father. "Well, it's just not as serious. Mommy issues change your brain chemistry 😔🥀⚰️🖤"... like, is this a "✨️trauma✨️" off to millennials and chronically online gen z queers? It just tells me everything I need to know about average parental relationships and gender roles within them. Children hurt moms, and moms hurt children, but the father who throws the kindling into the fire sits back and enjoys the show. The father is the one who hasnt lifted a single FINGER in his life, or when he has its hurt even MORE than the petty things the mother has done.

I used to be in this position. You're told that your mom is the primary parent, so everything falls on her. But I think it takes a certain maturity and self-awareness. When you get to that in between age where you are approaching being thrown into the hellscape of modern heterosexuality, you start to humanize your mother again. Start to see the trap and how she fell into it. Start to see how no human can survive it without cracking at least a bit. It gets dark. You see how you fueled a situation that could very possibly resemble your future life. You see how you saw your mother as a robot. We are taught that she's supposed to be robotic. So when the mommy persona cannot be held up... shes defective. You see how your father was just an audience member. And some women don't wake up like that. The start of internalized misogyny, within all women, is with your mother. Frankly, I'm impressed women don't murder families more than men due to the dynamic, but lord, when they do, you don't hear the end of it. It all reminds me of why I'll never allow myself to be a mother. Youre either a good girl who gets pat on the head or an evil bitch who will rot in hell.

Last time I said something like this I was called a child abuser apologist so 🤷‍♀️ ig I'll embrace it. I dont think there's no such thing as an abusive mom, but that shit is so rare compared to dad's. But yall are absolute silence on that end.

And to add on, it's the attitude with how gender changes a parents role. People see mothers as someone who services, while fathers are someone to be proud of. Mommy loves me and daddy is cool and proud. Women are not cherished within the dynamic, we are just taken from. So, Imma be real, when I hear someone talk about how they cut their mother off because of this new wave of "parents (and by that we mean moms) have to be perfect and you have every right to cut them off!" I automatically assume it's some petty shit. Yall see moms as hivemind maids. Any little screw up means she's not your servant. Meanwhile ur dad could slam you into a wall and he's dad of the year haha you know how dad's are. MOMMY YOU HAVE TO BE MY EMOTIONLESS ROBOT WHILST ALSO PUTTING ON THE MOST RIDICULOUS EMOTIONAL PERSONA IN THE WORLD YOU REVOLVE MEEEEEEE 🥺

[808airsoftbros]

Yujin's Wake Up Call

Author: This is a simple short story nothing too special and something that came to my mind that I want to write. If you want to see more of my stories check out my Masterlist.

Author's POV

It was another busy day at Starship, the IVE girls recently returned from their world tour and they were indeed exhausted after travelling the world for the past several months.

Yujin especially was tired along with the girls but she was disheartened when she heard that they would be visiting a patient with cancer as part of the wish foundation.

"Can you girls go for me? I'm too tired," Yujin asked and Gaeul rolled her eyes.

"Are you serious, Yujin? I get that you're tired from travelling the world but our manager says will be getting a whole month break afterward and we can do whatever we want from there," Gaeul pointed out and Yujin groaned.

"Yeah, and also our fans mean alot to us, and what about you?" Rei asked and Yujin scoffed.

"What are you on about? I'm only being nice because I have to and I hate that I have to be fake!" Yujin complained and Gaeul shook her head in disappointment.

Sadly, Yujin can be lazy at times, she'd be often caught slacking in dance practices when off camera, and you can bet every dollar that she tried every excuse you could think of to get out of her work.

This would annoy her members especially Gaeul and they'd always be fighting and arguing with one another.

"Yujin, do not start this shit again... We've been over this how many God damn times already?! When are you ever going to change?!" Gaeul angrily asked and Yujin rolled her eyes.

"When management doesn't constantly make us work to death," She answered spitefully.

"Well, if you do not behave, Ms. An Yujin, you will be one sorry woman, do you hear me?" Gaeul coldly warned but Yujin shrugged it off.

Because of how she always tends to act, the crew and management, and even her own members don't like nor respect her, but she doesn't seem to care.

Yujin also tends to have bad habits of drinking and smoking too much and Gaeul always catches her vaping when she's not supposed to.

Wonyoung and Yujin's friendship began deteriorating as she was fed up with her antics and was disheartened to see her friend changing for the worse.

One quiet night, Yujin snuck out of the dorm without waking up the girls and sat on a bench to smoke and drink.

It was quite foggy and there were hardly any noises to be heard besides the slight sounds of the breeze which was perfect for her.

"Perfect. No one to bother me," Yujin muttered as she takes a sip of soju.

"Excuse me," She heard a feminine voice asked and she turned to see a unfamiliar woman.

Yujin jumped in surprise as she didn't notice the woman approaching her.

"W-what do you want?" She nervously asked.

"Oh, sorry for startling you, it's quite a foggy night is it?" She kindly asked.

"I guess you can say that..." Yujin muttered to her and took a puff from her pod.

"Shouldn't idols be limiting how much they drink and smoke?" The woman asked as she sat down next to her.

"Why is it your business?" She snarled and the woman frowned.

Seeing Yujin's attitude, the woman just stared at her intently and then gave her a cold demeanor.

"I'll tell you why you're here... It's because you're lazy, useless, and a pathetic excuse of an idol," The woman coldly said and Yujin was taken aback.

"Who the fuck are you to judge me?! I can't help but get overwhelmed sometimes! Maybe if you were an idol then you'd understand!" Yujin retorts and the woman shook her head.

"Tsk. Overwhelmed? Only because you just have to visit a special patient? Is that your only excuse? As someone who has a chronic heart condition, you disgust me," The woman angrily replied and Yujin was now lost for words trying to come up with the words.

"I-" She was about to say but was cut off.

"Shut it! Did you know I was once an idol like you? I couldn't practice or sing on some days but I still give it my all! Unlike you, who has a management who at least cares for you and would get you the help you need... My management never cared for me, if they don't see me as efficient... Poof, they will simply get rid of me like I'm sort of a piece of garbage meant to be disposed of," The woman explained her story and Yujin gulped in fear.

"Every day I have to work through excruciating pain! The only person who ever cared for me was the custodian who works here, and I have to keep working no matter what just to survive, and here I see a spoiled rotten you always coming up with excuses just to get out of work! You leave me speechless... Do you have any idea how lucky you are?" The woman coldly asked with a tear shedding from her eye and Yujin tried to shrug off the feeling of guilt but no matter how hard she tried... It lingered inside of her but she refused to show it.

"There are many other idols left forgotten in the winds of time and talents wasted, they would give anything to be in your position yet you couldn't care less... It's pitiful," She finished and Yujin was boiling deep inside.

"And who the hell are you?!" Yujin asked her and the woman grinned.

"Consider me your wake up call, An Yujin, I hope one day you realize the error of your ways... Goodnight," The woman bid goodbye and got up from the bench.

Yujin watched as the mysterious woman walked into the fog and vanished out of sight.

After that, Yujin was left angry and confused, she wondered who the woman was as she had never met or heard of her. She quickly concludes her drinking and smoking session and goes back inside the building.

When she got into the corridor she finds the janitor Jake sweep mopping the floor.

"Hey, Jake!" Yujin called out and he paused.

"Yes?" Jake replied and Yujin sighs.

"Do you happen to know a woman who was an idol here? She claims to have a heart condition but... I don't know she's making it up or not to trick me into making me feel bad," She asked and Jake frowned before looking down.

Jake goes into his pocket pulling out a picture of the very same woman that Yujin encountered earlier and her eyes widened in surprise.

"Is this the woman you're referring to?" Jake asked as he showed the photo.

"Y-yes, that's her alright, who is she?" She curiously asked and he deeply sighed.

"Her name is Jennifer Jung, she was once a trainee here, she was also the sister of Jessica and Krystal Jung, but she had a severe and chronic heart condition... I tried my best to help her when management wasn't looking but it wasn't enough, she perished five months into her training," He explained the story and sighed once more.

Yujin froze in terror and shivers were sent down her spine as she could hardly believe that she was talking to the spirit of Jennifer this whole time.

She didn't know what to make of it but Jake didn't see her as a crazy person and he already figured she saw Jennifer. Yujin returns to her dorm and Jake continues his janitorial duties.

After that night, Yujin was a changed woman much to everyone's surprise, she eventually quit smoking and stopped drinking as much, although she mostly kept to herself, she stopped complaining and followed their schedules.

Yujin and the girls visited the hospital patient without issues or trouble much to management's delight and they were happy they were able to deliver someone's last dying wish.

Sometimes Yujin felt the urge to return to her old habits but refused and kept going no matter what. Yujin would never forget that encounter that night.

She never saw Jennifer again but on some foggy nights, she felt her presence was near but never again would she take anything for granted.

[leighlew3]

So...

I know a lot of people out there are feeling lost, helpless, hopeless, and especially perhaps the younger crowd wonders: what now? As someone who has taken hit after hit after hit of trauma, abuse, homelessness, suffering, struggle, loss, illness, etc in my life that at times seems never ending... dealing with perpetual trauma and finding hope in the face of devastation is uhhh sorta my specialty.

*dorky wink and finger guns*

So, first of all on my end let me explain my plans, and then get into the 'why' and what else I plan to do and how I think we all need to tackle these coming days, weeks, months and sadly -- years.

For mental health reasons on the heels of still struggling with my grief and what sadly has become chronic health issues, I'm probably going to spend the foreseeable future hyper-focused on writing, fictional ships, planning my next tattoo, the WNBA free agency, the end of the current NFL season, and doing everything humanly possible to boost my immune system for what will inevitably be the next pandemic/plague that this administration will laugh at as Americans drop dead again because "sCiEncE iSnT rEaL".

And I advise others to find what will help them survive as well.

Here's the thing though: "give up" is not in my DNA. Nor is burying my head and hiding out away from "anything negative", because that's a hella privileged position to take, and I'm not about that life.

So, I will be signing all the petitions possible, making calls to reps who actually have proven they care, protesting when possible, sharing important info on social media, volunteering, etc as well.

Which brings me to the point here: don't give up. Do what you can. But also... recognize your humanity and limitations whether they be financial, physical, psychological or otherwise. Because sacrificing your own sanity and health isn't going to help anybody. And then we're down one less soldier in this battle for the greater good.

IF there's another election in four years (never in my lifetime did I think that would even be a question), we will have a lot of rebuilding to do regarding lost progress. We need to be ready.

In the meantime, dive into something productive and/or comforting for your own life that keeps you fulfilled but also be ready and willing to do what you can help those around you, at key moments. It's that whole "put on your oxygen mask first when the plane is going down" thing. You can't help a damn soul if you can't even breathe.

Be kind to the people you love. Tell them you love them daily. Connect with like-minded individuals. Protect and defend our most vulnerable wherever possible (the disabled, marginalized communities, fellow women/girls, etc). Hug your pets and if you don't have any, consider adopting a rescue.

Vote in the 2026 midterms. Volunteer at or donate to your local women's shelters, homeless shelters, racial justice organizations, LGBTQ+ organizations, animal rescues, environmental organizations, nursing homes for the elderly, etc.

We have to find the balance between self-care for ourselves and making our own lives tolerable amidst this bs, especially any of us who belong to one or more of the above groups -- while also plugging in to help others and the community as a whole, as needed.

And trust me, it will be needed. More than ever.

You're not alone. Even if IRL you feel like you're the only person in your family or circle who hasn't 'drank the Kool Aid' and lost all sense of reason or basic human empathy.

If you're reading this right now -- please take a second to take some deep breaths, step away, and start setting both short-term and long-term goals for yourself and your life that will help you moving forward so you can continue to fight for yourself, and for us all.

Please remember, we're in this together.

I'm with you. 💜

[crimeronan]

im a teenager with seasonal depression and a shitty fatigue causing disability and adhd currently still in highschool and: the way you talk abt minors right to autonomy, and How School Sucks, and everything related to that is. The Most Soothing Shit i hear all day. like. reading some of your posts abt how Good graduating early and being a Problem Child was for you was So Damn Calming.

most ppl immediately go to sooth me with the "but you Are smart, and you just need to try harder!! your life isnt entirely ruined today :) just go to school tomorrow and be Good and Learn and you'll be fineee. you aren't one of the bad ones, Dont Worry :))" and that makes me. invent new types of panic attacks and neuroses on the spot.

but having an Actual Adult whos like "no. school can infact be the fucking Torture pit for some people and it is So Utterly Fucked Up how Anyone can make you do Anything, actually. you arent a bad or damaged person this is Normal and your value isnt dependant on Schooliness. do whatever makes you least likely to kill yourself. you dont owe them shit, especially not being Good. be a problem, take up space."

is. genuinely the nicest thing Ever. to me. like. Makes me Kinda Want To Cry nicest thing ever. anyway yea. thanks for that.

ahh, this is lovely to hear. but i'm so sorry you're going through this.

i remember being in high school in 2011 when the gay teen suicides were national headlines, and everyone had Opinions on it, and the "it gets better" trend was everywhere, and -- while those videos did do a lot of good!! -- they just kind of made me more furious?? because i was so mad at all these adults basically saying, "yeah, high school is an institutional pit of death and horror, but eventually you'll be 18!!" i was like hey. Help Us Now.

it was actually the song "make it stop" by rise against that gave me any peace or sense of belonging, because. here was a band i loved full of straight dudes (as far as i know, anyway) who were just fucking MAD. they were righteously angry!! they gave a fuck what was happening!! and lyrics like "the gatherings hold candles but not their tongues" rang SO true to me, as someone who was dealing with endless "oh, so sad he died, but there was something wrong with his brain" discourse.

the memory of that has made it REALLY easy to hold onto my anger in adulthood. because sometimes kids don't need "it'll be fine, just hang on :)" they need "you're gonna be okay, but FUCK ALL THIS."

it's truly fucking Unconscionable to do what we do even to neurotypical, able-bodied teens with good home lives. i want to say i can't imagine being a teen with chronic fatigue and ADHD going to classes eight hours a day.... but i can!! i did that!! and almost died!!

i honestly think the lack of autonomy in the US school system is traumatic For Everybody. different levels of trauma, for sure! but i think that's part of why adults seem so disconnected from our teen years and can't remember the realities of being an adolescent. we overwrite the horrors.

the good news is: it Does get better after school. astonishingly so.

in the meantime: you don't owe anyone Anything. literally your only job right now is to survive. do whatever you need to do to not kill yourself or end up in jail. don't worry about anything else. i promise it Does Not Matter As Much As People Say It Does.

[allthegothihopgirls]

just finished reading death in the family properly and. whoo the racist undertones are racist undertoning. but uh. wanted to say that i cannot understand why people hated jason back then because like. he’s just a kid. he’s a KID. shaking 80s fans by the shoulders he’s a CHILD. he’s not gonna be a mature adult he’s gonna be a little weird and a little annoying even!! but he is a KID.

also wanted to ask your opinions on the jason has chronic pain headcanon? i personally as someone w chronic pain really enjoy it because it makes sense and i am a firm believer that we need more representation of invisible disabilities like some chronic pain is (and mine is) but ive heard a few people say they don’t like it

— baptism anon

right?? like yeah i think jason dying was the most beneficial thing to ever happen to his character, and he also had next-to-no defining traits as robin apart from being a dick grayson carbon-copy + replacement... but i don't get why people hated him.

~

jason w/ chronic pain!!!!!! oh boy i have feelings about him... i LOVE.

especially when it's death-induced.. a bit like phantom feeling/pain, but instead it is. very. real. like, he has chronic joint pain in places where joker hit him a few too many times etc. personally i reject the 'lazarus pit made him squeaky clean' canon, so on top of him keeping all his scars, and being more frankenstein than man.. chronic pain fits in very well.

i also definitely enjoy headcanons of him with chronic migraines.. not because i'm projecting.

i think it's a pretty agreed-upon headcanon that jason isn't a fan of medication in the slightest, due to his mother's death (only making exceptions when he's sustained more than a minor injury on patrol or a mission and is being tended to).

so i propose, stubborn jason w/ chronic migraines, who will never admit to needing actual medication. obviously he isn't going to be stupid about it, he won't patrol if it's too bad, and maybe tries to ward it off with some regular ibuprofen. but he is so against being properly medicated for prevention or treatment, and gets super defensive if dick or bruce suggest it to him.

he's always in varying levels of head hurt™ and just. lives with it. in the comfort of his own apartment he's definitely not a stranger to herbal teas and heat packs though.. however at the same time he's 100% beating himself up whenever he can't just power through.

i don't think he'd actively tell anyone either. dick figures it out from the way he'll rub at his temples post-patrol, or maybe a couple of unclosed search tabs on a computer 'whydoesmyheadalwayshurt' or 'home remedies: how to naturally prevent migraines'

for bruce finding out i have a bit more of a developed idea. jason's gone out patrolling with a migraine, against his better judgement. he's on comms with bruce, who's getting his assistance on a case he's been tracking. seemingly out of nowhere he hisses a little in pain, and bruce is asking what's wrong.

jason grows defensive quickly and spurts out a routine "imfinedontworry" but was apparently not convincing enough because before he knows it bruce is asking "status?" ..and he swears there's a microchip in him somewhere that forces him to give a truthful answer, because it's not like he wants to tell bruce his head's hurting, because that's just plain embarrassing. he doesn't want people thinking that he can't handle pain that miniscule.

between that and the other times he's been asked "red hood, report" and stated his condition, adding on a "head hurts a bit too, but that's just normal".. it wasn't difficult for bruce to suspect something unusual.

moving away from migraines, i think he also experiences chronic joint pain. compared to the previously mentioned, it's easier to play joint pain off as 'normal' and convince himself there's no cause for concern. he's 100% in denial of having an actual issue, which i'd like to think somewhat comes from bruce experiencing the exact same thing, and jason watching him absolutely refuse to admit any weakness it causes him.

he ends up believing it's just something that happens to everyone (well, at least everyone who dresses up and fights crime on the regular). jason's confused when dick's asking him if he wants to stick around for a chat post-patrol, because is dick not also desperate to go home, ice his joints, and spend time doing stretches to ease his pain before finally getting some sleep?????

i don't think he'd realise that it isn't a normal thing until he's called out on it. maybe he makes an off-comment about 'never feeling 75%, let alone 100%' comfort-wise, and damian remarks how that is. an issue. jason's instantly defending himself "yeah well that's just what happens when you've been in the business for this long-" and dick chimes in to point out that he doesn't feel like that. from there i think he goes to an even larger effort to hide any pain he's in.

big believer in jason being a cane user too. i think babs is the one who convinces him to start using one, after the events of this panel ↓ ↓ ↓ 

you cannot tell me that she's letting that comment slide: "that book looked... useful" plus "i don't think i've ever been okay", ok jason mr 'i really resonated with this and now i'm having revelations' todd.

she's 100% sitting his ass down for a real talk about whatever he has going on.

and i think afterwards, babs suggests that he really considers mobility aids. to which i think he ends up being very accidentally ableist, in the 'but those are for old people' way. it takes... a lot to reverse his somewhat internalised ableism, and get him to at least try a mobility aid out.

he grows less opposed to it as he realises that it's not something he's obligated to use all the time, and that it works. so he uses a cane around his apartment, and around the manor when he gets to be confident enough (he's a bit worried of people asking questions, but no one even bats an eye, because it just makes sense).

i have a whole other set of thoughts about the batfamily + how they go about jason using a cane... but i think i've gone on for long enough.. my apologies

in conclusion... chronic pain!jason todd is a HUGE headcanon of mine. love it a lot.

[olderthannetfic]

This is a rant that is going to end in a question that I genuinely want the answer to.

I've recently seen (in the past year or so) an uptick in people online using the word "delusional" casually or as an insult. Worse even than that, "delulu" which I believe originated on Tiktok or Twitter (likely places for ableism to come from, yeah, fork found in kitchen etc etc). The only people I really see calling this behavior out are, you guessed it, actually delusional or psychotic people.

Typically it's thrown around to describe someone's "weird" or "chronically online" beliefs. Like using it to talk about reality shifters or RPF shippers who think their ship is actually together or etc. And, like, while I don't disagree that spiritual psychosis or "the belief that someone is sending me signals via social media" are real actual delusional behaviors/can lead to actual delusions, I really don't think that believing you can shift to Hogwarts to see Draco or that you have a mental connection to the Stranger Things universe or that Taylor Swift is queer and flagging via music videos really fits the criteria for spiritual psychosis or erotomania or what have you *in itself* - meaning if you live an otherwise normal life and only get out of touch with reality when you're on #MaraudersTok or r/LarryStylinson, you're likely not delusional, or at least not delusional enough for it to impact your functionality.

So, that begs the question, WHY? Why use delusional to describe stupid chronically online drama? Like, I'm being genuine, I truly do want to know why. Are these people misusing/misunderstanding what the word delusional means? Are they armchair diagnosing? Do they think these people are actually experiencing psychosis, and if so, why are they using said diagnosis as an insult or as part of their moral flaws? Why are they so bothered and obsessed with someone else's "delusion", especially when the delusion in question isn't hurting them and is just a stupid thing like thinking that some random celeb is about to hard launch their coming out or that they can teleport to a fictional world?

(also, PLEASE, I know it sounds like I have specific beef with shifters or gay rpf truthers, I DON'T, nor am i necessarily 'defending' these communities, 'cuz i know they do have actual issues outside of just being cringe or whatever. I don't want gaylor shift malfoy snapewives discourse, i want "why are you using a psychotic disorder to describe these fringe fandom communities" discourse, and in the circles i run in that's just the type of people who are described as delusional the most - I know that the overall issue runs much deeper, I just figured Id ask a fandom blog why the word is so prevelant in fandoms, especially in specific "types" of fandoms)

Like, I'm not looking for an argument of "it's ok to use delusional so casually" or "yeah i agree it's so fucked up that people throw that word around :/" all i want is an honest and concise answer of WHY delusional has become the Hot New Armchair Diagnosis For Weird People On TikTok or whatever.

--

Lots of words get used with a colloquial definition and people aren't really thinking about their technical meaning.

K-pop fandom. Blame them.

[wolfisblank]

I don't think I've seen anyone else talk about anything like this in regards to Reese's writing, so I wanted to throw my thoughts into the void. I'm a bit nervous to post this tbh, but here goes.

!! Full spoilers for Scarlet Hollow episode 4 !!

Part of the reason I like Reese as a character a lot, why he really clicked with me, is that we have a lot in common. "Chronically ill depressed artist who rarely leaves his house and has a difficult relationship with a parent who thinks they know better" could describe us both. But that's not why he clicked with me. He, and the mystery around him, intrigued me. But I didn't really become so attached to him until episode four.

And I think the reason why is that I have a heavily stigmatized mental illness. And because of that, the chapter 4 story really resonated with me.

Everyone around him panics, seeing him as a monster who's dangerous to everyone around him. In reality, despite his heightened emotions and his overreacting (perhaps even paranoid) state of mind, his mind is not monstrous. He's perfectly aware and coherent. He's able to clearly articulate that he's not dangerous, he doesn't want to hurt anyone else, and this is just about his mother. And he's not a threat to the main character, who he also views as someone in need of protection. He says it stops with her. We really don't have any reason to not believe him beyond being a monster. Especially considering that he's right, it does stop with her; the only other person he attacks is Wayne (in self-defense), and he immediately de-transforms after killing Dr. Kelly if it's done in front of the player. Even in the basement obedience route, where he's still transformed and in a much less regretful state of mind, he still calmly talks to the player about what he did, and leaves when Wayne shows up. But no one believes him. No one listens. Because of what he is, he's "inherently dangerous". And because of that he can't be trusted and has to be locked away for everyone else's safety. Or even killed, depending on the route. It resonated with me.

My main playthrough, my self-insert character, has Book Smart + Talk to Animals, so there is no Hot trait to save me here. When I first played chapter 4, I called Tabitha, as I am prone to do. And I was horrified that when the time came, it took away my choice to let Reese go free. It is the only tough choice in the game where I rewound and changed the outcome. Because I couldn't do that to him. I love Joan. She's a very interesting character, she's thoroughly humanized, and though what she did to her son was horrible and traumatic and life-ruining, I understand her. She's probably in my top 3 or top 5 favorite characters. But when I saw what Reese's situation was, what she had done to him, and what she was planning on continuing to do to him, I couldn't let her. Despite how much I liked her, I couldn't do that to him.

I'm lucky for my real life situation. But there's a world out there where that is me. There's a world out there where my parent found out about my "dangerous" (see: stigmatized) mental illness early on, when I was less good at hiding it, when they were my primary (and practically only) caregiver, and panicked. There's a world out there where some tough choices would have been made as a parent. Not to that extreme, but still, some real and potentially damaging choices. I stared into the maw of a creature who everyone called a monster for just being himself, who wanted to free himself from the person who planned to continue keeping him prisoner, and I thought who am I, of all people, to do that to him? Maybe one day she'll let him go free. She doesn't like keeping him there. I'd like to think she would. But if she has the right to make the tough call, then so do I, so does he. It's his life.

Anyway on a slightly lighter note... if Reese's situation is intended to be mental illness-coded, then I'm gonna throw my hat in the ring and say it's something schizo-spec. I'm not schizo-spec myself but I noticed some things in him that could be read that way and chatted about it a bit with a friend who is, who said she can see the angle. I'd list my reasons as to why I think that but this post is already long enough as-is. This is more a rumination on my own feelings than exploring my thoughts on the interpretation. I might make a post about that later if anyone is interested in reading it.

And I can also see why someone who is mentally ill wouldn't like this angle for his character. Like oh yeah, the potentially mentally ill-coded character turns into a giant monster that either eats his mother or is tranquilized and locked away or fucking shot and burned to death while half-alive. I see why that wouldn't be a fun way to read the situation for some. An interpretation that resonates for me may not resonate for everyone, and that's fine.

One final thing: I obviously don't know, or even necessarily think, that this was the intention behind his writing. If Black Tabby said anything about that, I haven't seen it. I don't like to assume author intent behind stuff like this, especially considering that Scarlet Hollow isn't even finished yet. This is just one interpretation, one mentally-ill guy's reflection on why a game made him feel a certain way. I got thinking about that recent comment about how there was something people were overlooking about Reese, and that lead me to thinking about why it is that I felt the way I did when I played that chapter, and why made the choice I did in the end, despite my feelings about the characters. And this is the result.